But...I been...thinking... Of finding how many ways... I can intertwine With the pronunciation of your Syllables As cunning linguistics are filled With conversations between (lips) feeling intellectually stimulated into salacious verbiage.
Spoken commands I would like to cease Until they become That have yet to be captured After Midday Morning Craving Until I run To add to the sentences Wishing to Of your thoughts until the Do not refrain When I... Request you to relinquish Allow me... As I... I have performed in solitude. Wanting recognition for the submission To my favored pen As I allow the ink Willing to refill and reuse As we define the ellipses with adverbs. All
to the attention displayed upon mind Spilling dictation. literal context clues and permeate the plethora of phallic fantasies... spoken word and not metaphors. I request to release any unresolved concepts I can't help but brainstorm upon Midnight Reflections Actions Repetitions Continuum out of climactic words Displayed in the darkness of these silenced pages. Suction The Mental Cells storm of Cerebral Momentum has subsided. Unfulfilled fiction so i can rewrite them into non-fiction. To coerce... Disorientation Revert to the top of the page Reiterating all the phrases Practicing until perfection. To flow. Your tip on fresh pages. Be my subject and I Your predicate. fore the play on words.
You are the worst for knowing what you've done to me...Although it hurts I know, I just can't keep running away.
Dedicated my life...to figuring out how your beat would synchronize with mine. Seamless ticking to the rhythm of your soul. I fell into the pace construed.
Now these words fall from the confines of your once unspoken truths.
If you cannot stay down you do not have to pretend that there is no way out. I shoulda never let you in.
I regret at times. The everything that I gave of me. Asking was I foolishly...? Amid-st windy nights in my bed traveling the edges. Failing to fill the void you once replenished with warmth.
Tearing off a piece of my heart and handing it back with whatever's left. The branding of your name imprinted in my ticker still blowing smoke.
Forced to practice to self love. Attempting life lessons of distinguishing solitude from the loneliness in the same room.
Funny how everything changed...Once you got all that you want, nothing was ever the same.
Taking care of vulnerability nurtured beyond imagination. And as soon as the blindfold brushed my eyes. You pulled my flight from under me. Feeling the heavy effects of gravity.
Damn baby my mines blown.
Star struck hitting the grounded weight of cement flavored reality. Releasing the grasp and still our fingers remained laced. Fighting to resuscitate the golden rose bush we cultivated to grow. But, some of the petals are tainted. My thorns sharper.
My wings no longer clipped. Pushing me to be free when I was never caged. Eyes judge the foolishness of your rash desires. Put between a rock and cliff. Logic, heart, and soul.
They say he's no item, please don't like him.--I think you're pride is just in the way.
You taught me:
I do not need you. But I want you. And I don't mean to but I love you.
Please don't take this personal, but you ain't shit, you ain't nothing until I made you so. Better act like you know.
Before me you were a simple vagabond aimlessly wandering around the streets. Looking for a home on the corners of sidewalks thinking that those in the same darkness loved you. Broken shadows huddled together, do not create a human being: just an outline of what it is shaped to be. Until I gave you the shelter you never dreamed squared.
I don't need you. I learned that. But I want you. Every smile you genuinely provided and created. Every dream fulfilled when the sun hit your face just right as I awoke beside you each morning. The safety felt in your embrace. The desires surpassed whenever our intimacy became braille. The heartbeat that danced in conjunction with yours.
You know that I depend on nothing or no one. So why would you show up, uninvited and change my mind like that.
As soon as I throw our memories into the urn of the dearly departed. You got me face down. Willing to be played a fool. To live with no regrets. No what ifs. Knowing that I may mum the word, the day I am proven wrong by my intuition. As we lay apart; Connected by our thoughts and emotions. Mutually striking hunger pangs in our hearts' belly.
I know what this is but the time's wrong. You are the worst to know what you've done to me.
Both unable to completely to walk away. Forgetting the gifts of times past. Fingers barely touching yet remaining loosely intertwined.
I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. But, I want you. I don't mean to. I don't mean to. I don't mean to.
Ignoring the internal reveries, preventing the nightmares of reality from reentering the confines of my soul.
Opening to the sunlight bursting through my windows.
So much to do, so little time to think of...Who?---Continuing to occupy my heart from realizing it is in synchronization with my brain; looking for the second palpitation only---Who?----could provide.
Forgetting this Him---As long as there is no moonlight.
"Tied up enough..so I don't have to wonder where is he."
Starting with the right foot on the bed forgetting...that there are only sheets and pillows. As I leave the comfort of unrest.
Our pictures. Blurred during the day. No attention given as I float into the tasks at hand. No break just charging onward...I am stronger today. Making plans to find myself...No longer drowning in my loss.
"So sick of crying...so just lately, when I catch myself I do a 180."
Creating the illusionist stage of happiness found. All smiles between the coldness left inside. The swollen eyes made up with eyeliner and mascara. Red lips could tell lies not even I can believe.
Best heels and dress. Dressed for success. For a split second, my eyes daze out into the darkness. I stop. Praying to Lord for strength , taking a deep breath and refusing to let sadness out in full force.
Until the evening comes...no plans?---everyone's busy? Being happy? Being together?
I am left...with...
No choice but to to look at OUR pictures at the head of what was OUR bed.
Looking at the picture of what was OUR dresser.
No choice but to enclose myself. Shut everyone out as my lipstick has faded despite the lack of hunger.
My sweats on and my soul unmasked.
The solitude my only companion. Not even the crickets fill the silence in what used to be OUR room.
The radio plays-all of me-damn you John Legend. Radio off. Soundcloud on.
The Worst-playing on my phone on repeat. Side effects of you keep me bone chilling.
The warmth, unattainable despite a blanket and covers.
"Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking That silent sense of content That everyone gets Just disappears soon as the sun sets"
Opinions falls like harsh winter everyone I have let in, judges.
A fool in love. Pitying the broken pieces left on the floor of what used to be OUR front door.
Truth becomes subjective....does it all depend?
The dark cloud returns. No light comes in, just the moonlight reminding me of what was and what is.
"If I was my heart I'd rather be restless The second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless This ache in my chest As my day is done now The dark covers me and I cannot run now"
Reality brings me to my knees. Curling up on what used to YOUR side of the bed. Keep me from having regular dreams. The face in my eternal desires continues to haunt me. The pain in YOUR eyes as you stormed away replays in my mind.
Going out at night. To escape the tundra in my bed. Partying halfheartedly a hazard to myself as my I search into the crowd for company. Leaning on my camaraderie. Yet even the parties must end. Everyone must go home. Not one able to remain long enough to fill the depth of my void.
As the moonlight pours in reflecting the lack of you in my bed. The lack of your presence to bring me warmth. A glimpse of yesterday no longer in sight. Fallen from cloud nine. And falling back into the realization that gravity hurts.
"His face in my dreams seizes my guts He floods me with dread Soaked in soul He swims in my eyes by the bed Pour myself over him Moon spilling in"
Holding hands in the night, as my heart seems to lay at ease, In my dreams. Love forever. All is well. Nothing has ever changed. I love you he says and I will return again. We make love until the dawn.
Remaining as his backup when he needed me...Willing to go to War as long as the result is his safety...
Making sure that after every battle we would return together safely,
Despite the wounds...we continued to bandage each other up.
Ready for the next combat...US against the world.
Awaiting Our Beautiful Death..in Unison...My Man...and I his woman...Gladiators..An unbeatable force apart but when together there is no ceasing.
Waiting for a foe worthy of taking us apart in order to meet once more in the depths of our freed souls.
I loved a gladiator once, never backing down and shielding me despite being forced to his knees.
I striking the enemy so he can raise to his feet.
Now..He...a mere mirage of who he once was...A Gladiator...
His punctured pride unable to allow him to remove the blinds. The darkness is not as dense as it resembles.
And there he remains...the un-healing wound he prevents me from curing. Choosing to delve in unexpected cowardice.
In horror I watch as he crumbles and I unable to save him. S I L E N C E.
I, who gave up my "sword and shield", placing the key of soul within his very grasp. He, armed and ready to win the most important crusade of them all...the undying conflict in my heart. Unlocking fears and uncertainty that maintained me alive for so long...
I gaze into the eyes, of a known stranger...I loved a gladiator once...and now he who I know now fills me with fear, desperation, and weakness...
He, has moments of clarity and is open to the training against the enemies that continue to pursue us. Then to the darkness he returns into the deepest wells where even I cannot reach out to him..
Many have perished within our grasp. But today...a Gladiator falls ungracefully...I unsure to continue the journey behind or aside him...I weep not in daylight but in the confines where my unlocked soul bares his name...Wishing for the winter to not revisit me once more...
How can I remain a Gladiator ruthlessly, without my King in all his glory?...What do I fight for?
If I too am just a reflection.of what I once was...I loved Gladiator once...but now neither of us resemble as such...Despite our indestructible fervor...the flame a mere glow...
Weakened are we as they pillage and trample our kingdom and its dreams...We have become our own enemies.
And in the heat of conflict...as he remains on his knees...I defend with all I have left...
And now my wings have burnt in the sun's reflection...I must of flew to close...I must have flown to close...Thinking the brightness would never taint reality.
Falling into the dark dampness of the heaviest of clouds...My wings emaciated and scalded. At full speed heading down to the ground where I was picked off my feet.
It use to feel like rain...
Where you can dance and sing...hold hands and laugh. But now it feels like a hurricane, where I cannot control the direction in which I am spinning. Remorse...Upon the foolishness, all I can feel is S T U P I D.
Believing the shine was gold...And the fool was I. The fool is me.
Love am I a full to believe in YOU?
As I feel like all I have left is the choux pastry heart..the filling now empty...left with simply the flakes...Disintegrating in the fridge. Looking as if I were solid. But the reality is,
No one knows what love can do...Until it happens to you,
Happening...hurts....Falling with such force...Desperation covers me...Looking at a shell of myself as I know longer know who I am...afraid of what I will become. Ice queen. Warrior placing her shield and sharp weaponry. Back onto the path leaving the crossroads behind. Learning to limp through the pain. Cure myself in the darkness again. Solitude my murderer and healer. Time remains as the uncertainty to my recovery.
Sentenced to purgatory so I can figure it out...
Trying to amidst the suffering continue on...unable to keep you here...unable to let you leave...
How come NOTHING feels the same when I'm with YOU...
No one knows what love can do...Until it happens to you, I just wish someone would of told me...